Denial

ADHD... When the reality of the possibilty existed that I may have ADHD, I was less then enthusiastic about it. I don't think I was in denial about it, but I remember distinctly sitting in my office here at Parker Valley Hope with my head in my hands, and one of the counselors came in and asked me what was wrong and I said, I think I am ADHD and her reply to me was oh no, you aren't ADHD, you're ok. Nice words to hear, but I wanted to prove it one way or the other. Mary was helpful in the process, she purchased a book from that TV show and would read it to me whenever we would travel anywhere and if I wasn't convinced before to talk with someone, after a couple chapters there was no doubt I was talking with someone. She read me things about being impulsive, my anger, my inability to finish projects, and lots of things that I really was, so in spite of the reassurance I received from a co-worker that I wasn't, I was convinced to not deny it.

ADHD people really don't know they are ADHD. We think it is normal. We think it is normal to have multiple conversations going on at once, we think it is normal be as active as we are, we think it is normal when we get out of control, that there is no control and you have to let it finish out. I thought some of it was me being me, some of it was being male, but never did I think it had to do with the way my brain was working. And the more I learned about it, compared it to me, (which, I am well schooled in ADHD, but looking for it in other people, not in myself, because I am perfectly normal) the more I sunk into depression about it. Because two things became very apparent to me. 1. I annoyed a lot more people than I thought I did growing up, and there was very little I could do about it. 2. I hurt a lot of people I never meant to hurt and there was very little I could do about it.

The first thing was unfortunate, would explain why not many of the church girls wanted to date me in High School... I did have a steady girlfriend, who I broke up with impulsively (wonder why?) The second thing devestated me.

Big change of perspective

I have been aching to write about this subject. It is the big change of my perspective and how it has effected me. Let me be clear up front, I haven't had any revelations of sorts like all of a sudden I will change political parties or that I have given up on God or anything. My perspective has changed because well, I have changed. Let me explain - it's Mary's fault. Mary of course is my partner of 27 years and knows me better than most, some of which I wish she would forget. In December something occurred that has literally changed our lives, I think to the better but has brought a lot of grief in and regrets as well. It was in December that while waiting to get ready to go to church on a Sunday morning, Mary was watching some program on the television while I was actively saving the world of warcraft world from some kind of destruction. I felt her eyes staring at me. I looked over and she was looking at me. She would look at the program she was watching and then look at me again, eventually, I asked her what she was watching and began to listen with my unoccupied ear and she told me she was watching a show titled, "Is it you, me or adult ADD." I said, Oh, and carried on with what I was doing and she replied to me, I think you have ADD. I don't have ADD I said, I am hyperactive but no one has ever commented to me that I have ADD or ADHD as it is generally described as these days. I let it go, but Mary didn't. We went to church and she said to a couple of ladies at church, "I think David is ADHD." and they replied to her, "And this is new to you?" She told me what they said, and I passed it off as crazy talk and the next day mentioned it to my chaplain co-worker who has a degree in psychology and she just stared at me. I went home that night and told Mary. I then said to her, I think I want to talk to someone about this, there has to be a test or something. The longer story much shorter - yep... I am ADHD. Life is going to change.

What's happening

I actually created this blog more than a year ago so I could write, which I love to do, and keep people informed of what was going on in my life. It of course assumed that someone actually cared about what was going on and what I had to write actually perked their interest. Since I started this, I created one post - and no others. I had initially linked it to my facebook page but the link got lost, I basically was living in depression and I didn't want to fight it. So, here the blog sat, with no loving, attention or creativity. About the first of the year though, I felt the urge to go back and start creating again. I started a photoblog site, which is linked from my facebook page and I have considered strongly that I would start writing again, mainly because life has changed so much for me. Hopefully I can perk some people's interest and they will as well subscribe to this and get it whenever I update it.